


Broken Cycle

by yuriprincess85



Category: bts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26403295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuriprincess85/pseuds/yuriprincess85
Summary: Winter package and some flashbacks
Relationships: Yoonmin - Relationship, taekook - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Broken Cycle

**Around You**

I glanced at my watch. 10:58 PM. I’ve been standing for only fifteen minutes but my legs felt weak. Was it because of the long time I spent in the gym today? I only did a few reps from my routine, did a few rounds of boxing, like the usual. My chest felt heavy, my joints, sore. It got harder to breathe. I sighed.

Taehyung looked up, his eyes were still watery. “Jungkook, are you really, really sure?” He asked me again.

“How many times do I have to repeat myself, Tae?” I retorted. “This is exhausting.”.

Taehyung, who had been crouching by the steps of the back porch of our condominium for the same length of time that I had been standing, buried his face again between his folded arms. He murmured something I couldn’t really understand. I impatiently sighed.

“I just thought,” he started after lifting his head. “I just thought that we can still make it work.” Taehyung looked at me straight in the eye, something that he always does when he is searching for answers that I can’t verbalize. He stared at me, small and frozen in that position.

“How? All I know is it wasn’t me who went and slept around.” My voice surely sounded cold. I didn’t bother to sugar-coat anything.

“I didn’t sleep around.” Taehyung muttered.

“THEN DID I TELL YOU TO FUCK THE FUCKING TRAINEE?” I tried to keep my cool but one thing that I can’t really stand is when Taehyung is lying to my face. And how many times had he done that? Taehyung opened his mouth but closed it again.

“I told you, I’m so fucking tired.” I finally said. I turned my heel and walked up the steps to the back entrance to the lobby. “Go home.”

Before the glass door closed, I heard another dry sob escaping Taehyung’s throat. I slammed the glass door too hard, I think I heard something crack. But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my resolve.

* * *

**Dancing with your ghost**

Jungkook dragged his luggage to the van parked in the company building’s basement. His Juun.J hi-top sneakers produced squeaking sounds as if he was accompanied by a babbling mouse as he kicked the painted flooring of the parking lot.

“You excited?” Namjoon asked the maknae.

“Not really.” Jungkook replied, his voice soft but steady.

“Really? You’re usually the one who’s most excited about trips. Maybe it’s because it’s Finland again?”

Jungkook shrugged. Namjoon tapped his shoulder and proceeded to swing his luggage to the back of the van.

I watched them from a distance, wary that Jungkook would move farther from where the boys were if I get any closer. He wasn’t unusually quiet and he didn’t look tired. My chest ached, and I felt breathless for a second. My eyes were welling up again. Just thinking about Jungkook easily moving on from us was too much, and seeing him unbothered like this made me tremble.

I felt a hand touch my back. I turned to look and it was Jimin. He pressed his lips together and I knew what he meant. I guess that’s what’s more than 6 years of friendship can do. I wiped the sides of my eyes with my pinky.

“Taehyung-a, sure you can do this?” Jimin asked me. I shook my head. “There’s nothing much you can do, is there? You cannot take a break now, not when we’re getting recognition for all our hard work.”

“I am not exactly having the time of my life, Jiminie.” I said in a low voice.

Jimin grunted. “You weren’t that sad a month ago, if you know what I mean.” I glowered at Jimin. “And don’t tell me that you were drunk that night because I know you do not like the taste of alcohol.”

“Thanks.” I stopped myself from making a good clap back when I saw Jungkook shooting a look at us.

“It’s time to leave!” Jungkook shouted. I felt a sudden surge of energy, as if a defibrillator jolted my heart to life. I squeezed Jimin’s hand who smiled slightly. I guessed that it wasn’t hopeless, after all.

I struggled to get my other hand-carry luggage on top of the luggage stack, or pretended to, expecting Jungkook to lend a hand. He never really liked seeing me suffer. Jungkook, who was standing just outside the van’s open door, glared at how I clumsily hoisted the luggage on stop of my head, and without any hesitation, went inside.

From the van’s open trunk, I heard Jungkook say, “Hyung, I told them it’s time for us to leave like you wanted.”

* * *

**Surrender**

Few years ago, Jungkook was all I saw. Sure, I wished for some awards, be recognized, but I pursued this career because I wanted to be with Jungkook all the time. Those first few months of training are the toughest, not because I had to practice from daybreak until midnight, but because I couldn’t stop myself from falling hard with a fellow member two years my junior. I thought there was no way the members would accept me as I am. I was scared shitless that Jungkook would find me different and when people do not like something different, they tend to destroy it.

“Whenever you’re ready, Hyung.” Jungkook’s bambi eyes ogled at me. He was wearing a black Bangtan jersey over a white t-shirt and large basketball shorts that almost went down to his ankles. His white socks covered half of his legs and his black training shoes were just too big for his feet. His black outfit highlighted his skinny 15-year old frame.

“Oh Taehyung-a, Jungkook’s offering to teach you the steps. I’m concentrating on teaching Jin-Hyung. Jiminie is still perfecting his hip hop and you know he will not stop until he’s satisfied with himself.” Hoseok-hyung told me, wiping his sweaty exposed forehead.

“AH, No. No. I’m trying to learn the steps on my own already, Jungkook. There’s no need to teach me.” I said softly, not wanting to brag, but wanting to reject Jungkook’s offer. I couldn’t let him teach me. “That is why I was watching you, I was learning the steps. I’m good at memorizing choreography just by watching.”

“I thought you were watching me because I look cute.” Jungkook said playfully. I flushed.

“What? You idiot.” I laughed nervously. “There is nothing cute about you. And if you are, I still wouldn’t look at you.”

Jungkook giggled. “Hyung! You’re too much! Am I that ugly? Because of my bunny teeth?” He bared his teeth, wrinkled his nose, and went straight to me. He kneeled in front of me and shoved his face closer to mine.

“Stop!” I pushed him hard enough that he struggled to keep his balance. “Oh, sorry.” I said while grabbing his shirt to keep him from falling on his back.

“Ah, hyung.” He whined. “I thought you were just kidding. It seems that you really don’t like me.” Jungkook pouted. I think I saw his eyes glimmer. _Were his eyes wet with tears?_

* * *

**Adore you**

Jin-hyung’s alarm woke the whole apartment. I watched as Namjoon-hyung and Jin-hyung hurriedly took their towels from the rack and went straight to the bathroom. I heard shower bottles crashing to the floor, and their loud voices floated across the small room.

“Your elbow is on my face, Namjoon-a!”

“Don’t block me!”

“Hurry up!”

“Yoongi-a! Hoseok-a! Jimin-a! Use the sink instead!”

“Jimin-a wake up Taehyung-a!”

“Is Jungkook awake?”

"Yes, I'm awake!!" I shouted to whoever was asking. I tidied my bed while listening to this morning routine. Can the apartment below hear this noise every day? V-hyung stirred in his bed, his eyes still closed but his eyebrows already furrowing. He moaned slightly while stretching his hands over his head. He did this every morning, like the blood stopped flowing in his clenched fist while sleeping. I stopped folding my blanket when I found myself staring at his lower half, a body part standing at half-attention.

“Sorry.” I said loudly.

Jimin-hyung, who was kicking V-hyung’s feet to wake him up, looked up.

“Why?” He asked. It felt to me that he knew what I was apologizing about because he had that questioning look on his face. His narrowing eyes struck me like a prosecutor in court who’s searching a suspect even if he already knows the truth.

Before I could answer ‘nothing’, Yoongi-hyung threw a towel at Jimin-hyung, hitting his head. “Wash your hair already!” Jimin-hyung kicked V-hyung one more time and turned his heel to head to the sink.

Yoongi-hyung turned to me. “Your face is red. Wet your face with cold water. It must be the heat.” He said softly.

I heard Jimin-hyung chuckle.

* * *

**Older than I am**

“Jimin, we’ll head to the apartment first. Don’t stay out late.” Hoseok-hyung told me as they stood up from the bench on the other side of the park. We had a free night to ourselves before we start working again in the afternoon the next day. We arrived in Helsinki two days ago, rested a bit, and followed most of our schedule. Hoseok-hyung, Jin-hyung, Namjoon-hyung, Taehyung and I went to do some groceries after receiving instructions from the crew on how to get around and who to contact in case of emergency. Yoongi and Jungkook stayed in. Holding heavy paper bags of groceries, we reached a tiny park near the apartment that the crew rented for the whole week and took a break from walking.

They left me and Taehyung sitting on the park bench. I watched our breaths turn into fog in the cold air. For a moment, the two of us didn’t speak and just watched a person, or two, walk along the brick path.

“I only know how to lie.” Taehyung suddenly said as he buried his face on his gloved hands. His shoulders shook for a while, followed by a heavy sigh. “Jimin-a, I’m feeling hopeless.” He lifted his head and straightened his back. Taehyung pointed at the snow-covered trees lining up the block. “Do you see those beautiful trees? Do you think the trees feel cold when snow hugs them?”

I didn’t even look. I fixed my eyes on Taehyung’s falling tears. It pains me to see my best friend look this hurt, but I couldn’t comfort him. I couldn’t because he needs pain to grow up. As we all do.

“Do you think the trees find the snow beautiful? I think I’m like one of these trees covered in snow. I see something pure and white hugging me, but I only feel its coldness so I shake it away. But during summer, I would search for it, I would miss it.”

Taehyung’s continued sighs produced a succession of haze. It was a quiet winter night and we were in a foreign country. Taehyung found the best place to reflect and heal. I ruffled his hair, wanting to warm his head, and wishing that somehow he would be able to think clearly.

Taehyung and Jungkook became close again after about four months of staying away from each other. But it wasn’t that long since Taehyung enjoyed the company of a trainee. Jungkook found out about it a week ago when Taehyung confessed, probably thinking that Jungkook would just brush it off like usual since the lines between them had been blurry since.

Two weeks in Finland. That was how short he had to straighten up this mess.

“Do they know?” I finally asked. “I mean the members? Do they know?” Taehyung shook his head. “I think they should.”

“I am too ashamed to tell them. Too embarrassed to say anything, to expose myself to them.” Taehyung looked at the dark sky. “Even the stars aren’t here, Jimin-a. My sky is too dark,” He turned his head to look at me. “I’m glad that you stayed. You are staying, right?”

I nodded. “I’m your best friend, idiot. I don’t like what you did, but I like you.”

It was my turn to look up and feel the soft, chilly breeze. “But you know, Jungkook is like a brother to me, too. He may not show it, but I think he is wallowing in his pain.”

“The pain that I caused.” Taehyung kicked the snow on his feet and let out another piercing sigh.

“And he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it. Because you’re the only one who knows how to make him open up.”

I squeezed Taehyung’s hand, wanting to share the strength that he didn’t have then.

I couldn’t bear to say it, not to Taehyung, but it would be a great deal of suffering wanting to talk to your main man and only confidant about something painful but couldn’t because he himself broke your heart.

* * *

**Pass you by**

It was in November 2016. We won our very first Daesang. I remember Jiminie hugging his favorite person, Yoongi-hyung, who couldn’t control his happy sobs. Jin-hyung stuffed his face with another batch of kimbap, saying he felt tired when he shed tears of contentment on stage and he needed food for energy. Namjoon-hyung was on the phone with the manager who was then giving him instructions about the series of interviews that would follow. Hoseok-hyung polished the trophy with his sleeves several times, while laughing at Min Yoongi and his uncontrollable tears.

V-hyung just came back from the toilet and was wiping his hands on a tissue. I hurriedly took his moist palm and led him out of the waiting room. I didn’t care. I was ecstatic about the award, feeling that luck is on my side. As I led him to the farthest vacant waiting room for artists, I felt that my chest would explode any moment. My head felt light, my heart was throbbing, my palms were sweaty, my knees wanted to buckle, but I gathered all the energy in the universe and silently wished to make the best things happen to me at that moment. I couldn’t let it pass me by.

When we reached the room, I stopped and turned to look at V-hyung. He was slightly panting, probably because of the quick movements, and his face was quite pale despite the make-up. He opened his mouth to lick his lips. The pink tip of his tongue tracing the margins of his lips was enough for me to lose it.

I snatched V-hyung’s arms and pulled him close, targeting those wet lips. I kissed him hard and felt him freeze in my arms. He didn’t kiss me back. I expected that he would. I expected that he would because I thought he liked me too. He was the only member who took care of me differently, like he didn’t treat me like a younger brother.

I let him go, feeling a little embarrassed. It took me a few seconds to meet his eyes that had been wide in shock since I broke the kiss. 

“Uhm” I started to speak. “V-hyung, I-“

“Should you still be calling me V-hyung?” He asked. I tilted my head, confused by what he meant.

“Call me Taehyung instead.”

“Taehyung?” It sounded awkward. He had been V-hyung to me since he adopted that name. His eyebrows twitched in agreement. I stayed silent for a few seconds, practicing saying his name in my head.

“Taehyung.” I said softly. It felt different. Euphoric. Cathartic. Taehyung smiled, his eyes never looked so beautiful, like the shock that I thought I saw suddenly turned to bliss.

“Yes, Jungkook?” He stepped closer and leaned in. I felt his lips brush mine- soft, wet. Without the brute force and sudden movements like earlier, I wrapped my hands on Taehyung’s small waist. His kiss deepened, and my hands didn’t hesitate to travel to his supple bottom, like they had a mind of their own. But as soon as I caressed them, Taehyung broke the kiss.

“See, isn’t it better to call me by my name?” Taehyung giggled as he turned to leave the waiting room.

“Taehyung?” He turned one last time. “Congratulations. We won.” I said as I strode up to him. I took his steady palm, and led him back to our waiting room.

* * *

**Somewhere only we know**

I saw them, Jimin and Taehyung, walking back toward the apartment. Taehyung’s kicking the snow as he treaded on it. He grew up so much, I thought. It had been three years since that first kiss. Five or six years, since I realized that I was in love with him. When did he love me? Did he even love me? I’m pretty sure he liked me, he must have. Or did he only like the idea that I was in love with him? 

I stayed in the open veranda, smoking, and watched them until they disappeared from my sight. I grew up well too. For a year, I think, I would cry in the corner of the closet in the apartment every after-practice because Taehyung would confess to me that he kissed one of the back-up dancers because he helped him with the choreography, or this one actor is in love with him and he tried to tell him that he has a boyfriend but the actor kissed him and he couldn’t resist him. I thought he was only too nice to say no.

After about an hour inside the closet, he would knock and tell me that if I don’t go out of the closet, he would go home to his parents. We weren’t normally allowed to go home, especially during the early days from debut, but I was plain stupid to believe that he would leave without resolving the problem. I would open the closet, see him outside with his hand outstretched to help me up, and I would take it. I would always take his outstretched hand, and go back. Go back to that fucking cycle. 

I took another drag and let the smoke out freely. Will I be like this smoke and haze? Flowing freely but disappearing to oblivion after. Turns out, ignorance is really bliss.

_Take me back._ Taehyung would always say. He would always cup my face and I would bask in the warmth of his hands, replacing the coldness in my chest. He would always kiss my nose softly, and he would chuckle and say that my nose is the easiest to kiss because it’s big. He would always say sorry, _it won’t happen again_ , as he kissed my lips slowly, and his tongue would delve in, and I would taste the sweetness of cola, replacing the bitterness in my mind.

And I would let him. I would let him steal the pain of knowing the truth because I thought I didn’t deserve it. 

I stared at the cigarette stuck between my fingers, its embers slowly dying by the chill of the wind. Taehyung liked the taste of cigarette on my tongue.

“Jungkook,” I spun. I thought I was alone, just me and my thoughts. It seems that Taehyung managed to sneak out, as quickly as he sneaks in to my thoughts.

“Why are you here?” I said formally.

“Can we talk?” Taehyung egged, probably knowing how vulnerable I was.

I turned my back to face the open space again, not wanting to see his sad expression. Guilty, embarrassed, yet bold to stand there.

I waited for him to say something, to do something. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have, because I was back in the closet again, expecting him to knock and get me out.

“Jungkook,” I heard him speak, his hands sneaking up to my waist, hugging me from behind. His perfume was a bit strong and I’m weak to that scent, but what surprised me was the smell of intoxication wafting together with the chilly breeze. “Jungkook, please face me.” He said, the weight of his head heavy on my nape.

I didn’t move.

“I know you’re upset. You’re hurt, because I was a slut. I am, like I had always been. I just want for us to talk.” Taehyung just kept on talking, his slurred speech and his languid actions spoke how drunk he was. “I’m sorry, Jungkook. I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry.”

His hands began to drop from my waist and his body felt heavy as he slowly dropped to the floor. The stupid me turned and stooped to support him. I saw his eyes flick open, he opened his mouth and licked his lips, and bit them right after. His hands made quick work of the buckles of my belt, struggling, hurrying. His fingers immediately took hold of the button of my pants, unzipped it and revealed the limp flesh inside. It was cold, his breath felt hot as he moved his face closer.

“Stop. stop.” I struggled between pushing Taehyung off and supporting his weight at the same time. “No, stop.” Taehyung was adamant. It looked like he needed me, or like he needed to make me happy, to make me feel better. He kissed the tip of my tool like he would kiss a wound, and looked up to meet my eyes.

“Please?” His tear-streaked face was red with alcohol.

He had always been like this, like sex is the only way to make me take him back. I let his body fall to the ground and I tucked the sorry snake inside the zipper. It didn’t take long until I crouched down to collect Taehyung, who had been occupied by his own thoughts.

For the first time, it was me who extended my hand.

* * *

**All I want**

“Happy birthday, Taehyung.” Jungkook whispered and kissed the lobe of my ear. “I made toast sandwich for you.”

Jungkook showed me a plate of toasts like a kid showing his report card. He beamed at me. “I woke up at 4 to prepare this whole plate! You’re going to eat it, right?”

“Of course,” I mumbled. I sat up and stretched my arms over my head.

“You have to eat fast, because the hyungs will be here any minute now and I want only you to eat my toasts. They’re your birthday present.”

I snickered. “That’s my birthday present? I’m your boyfriend!”

Jungkook sheepishly smiled and looked at the sandwiches. “I still don’t have that much money, but I will buy you something nice soon.”

I took the plate and placed it beside me. I set it slowly to prevent the mound of sandwiches from falling on the bed.

I stood up and faced Jungkook who was almost becoming as tall as me. I squeezed his face with my two hands and when he puckered up his lips, I kissed them lightly. Jungkook’s body felt rigid against mine.

“Taehyung-“ he breathed. “ha-happy b-birthday.” He continued, as my kisses traveled to his cheeks, his neck, the soft skin above his mole under his ear. My hand crept to the small hole of his boxers, played with the button in the middle and snapped it open. I felt his bulge growing against my palm, his legs went stiff as it brushed my inner thighs.

I went back to his mouth and snuck my tongue out, traced his lips, and flicked on his mole right in the middle under his lower lip. “Hmmm.” I let out a hum. I felt him shiver.

“JUNGKOOK-A!!” I heard Jimin shout. I stepped away and took the plate of sandwich from the bed and looked at Jungkook who held his head in frustration.

“fucking Jimin.” I heard him say. “Sorry.”

“I know, babe.” I said one last time and went out of the room.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALIEN!” Jimin shouted at once. “Is that for us?” Jimin took one sandwich and flopped down on the couch. Namjoon-hyung also took one after tapping my back.

“Where’s Jungkook?” Hoseok-hyung asked. “I know he prepared all that toast because it’s your birthday. That’s a good breakfast because we cannot eat anything heavy at this point. Our ‘Rainism’ performance is tomorrow for MBC and we cannot show up looking like we had a feast. We have to be sexy!”

Jimin laughed. “Oh I know sexy!” I looked at Jimin. Jimin looked at me. And winked. “Right, Taehyungie?”

Before I could answer, he shouted again. “JUNGKOOK-A!!!! COME OVER HERE!!”

Jungkook slowly stepped out of the room. “You okay?” Jimin asked him.

“What?” Jungkook said. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Jimin shrugged. “I don’t know.” He said as he bit on his toast.

* * *

**9 Crimes**

I lit another stick of cigarette as soon as Taehyung dropped on the bed. His drunkenness was too obvious as he staggered across the room. I stared at him as he slept. My chest still felt heavy, not because of all the thoughts in my head but because I stopped him at the balcony. Was I feeling guilty?

Instead of pouring myself a drink, I drank on his body that’s sprawled on the bed. I took one long hit from the stick, threw it out the open balcony, went straight to the knocked-out Taehyung and slapped him hard on his face.

“HA-“ Taehyung let out a shout. I knew he was still drunk so I slapped him again. The sound of my palm on his cheeks was probably deafening to him, waking him up. Taehyung sat up.

“What,” Taehyung began to ask but he stopped when I slapped him again. The third time brought him out of his drunken state. He stood up quickly and looked at me, holding his cheek with his hand with a worried look in his eyes.

I stared at those worried eyes as I took my jacket off and slipped my shirt over my head. I unfastened my belt while looking at Taehyung’s eyes and I made sure he would hear the crack of my belt as I removed it viciously. Taehyung stepped back but there was no more space for him to go on. I grabbed Taehyung’s shoulder and pushed him to the ground. I felt him strong under my grip, like he wanted to stand up. But this brute force is the only thing I have that he doesn’t.

“DO IT!” I shouted at Taehyung. He didn’t move, and I felt his body tremble.

I grabbed a fistful of his hair and forced him to look up. “I. said. do. it.”

I watched as Taehyung’s shaking hands unbutton my pants and open its fly. My stiff cock sprang out, unlike earlier. “Kiss it.” I told him. Taehyung did as he was told, his breath still felt warm but his hands were cold.

Taehyung continued to kiss it and with my fist tangled in his hair, I brought his face closer. He opened his mouth but gritted his teeth. I moved away slightly and slapped his face again with my free hand. It wasn’t as hard as the previous ones because of the awkward position but Taehyung opened his mouth, freely this time, and received me, his tongue was soft and wet inside.

He sucked lightly as I held his face steadily with my both hands. I rocked my hips back and forth, without giving him time to breathe. His tongue lapped on my wang’s tip and rolled to the roof of his mouth as I force my member in. I could feel the flesh of his cheeks as he sucked me in. I doubled my speed as I began to reach the climax while looking at Taehyung’s reddish face, his tangled hair. I grabbed his hair again as I made a final push, feeling his soft tongue and a bit of his uvula. My cock quivered inside his mouth and spurted, and Taehyung, who gagged a little, backed his head away but my hands strongly supported his head that he couldn’t move entirely. I heard his faint crying sound as I watched him take me with no excuse but to swallow.

When I was finally finished, I pulled out of Taehyung’s mouth, and let the still-quivering flesh slap on his cheek. Taehyung, slightly flushed, looked more beautiful. He looked up.

“Are you still upset?” He asked.

I started buttoning my pants back, went to the other side of the bed and didn’t say another word.

* * *

**You were good to me**

“Jimin, Taehyung isn’t here.” Yoongi woke me up, the panic in his voice was obvious. “I already went to the kitchen and the common room but Taehyung wasn’t there too.”

I opened my eyes as wide as I could and looked at the empty bed next to ours. There was no crease on the sheets and I was certain that Taehyung didn’t go to sleep in our room. Last night, I really thought Taehyung was inside our room the whole time. I passed out as soon as I cuddled Yoongi and buried my head in his neck. I didn’t realize Taehyung went out. He couldn’t possibly have gone to the other rooms, especially Jungkook’s.

“Jungkook?” I knocked on the door of the last room to check. Jungkook did not share the room with anyone after winning the draw lots. The apartment only had five rooms, and Jungkook got lucky the other day when we were told to choose rooms by drawing lots.

Of course, although in our broadcasts we were supposed to share rooms with certain members, we would switch rooms after we turn the cameras off. It had always been like that since our first trip abroad. As always, I would sleep beside my Yoongi. Taehyung would sleep beside Jungkook. Namjoon-hyung would sleep alone, sometimes, with Hoseok-hyung, but mostly he would sleep alone. And Jin-hyung doesn’t really mind who he shares the room with. We would always wake up ahead of schedule to go back to our original rooms. We would put our mics on and pretend to sleep again in front of the cameras before they start rolling.

I heard the door unlock.

“Is Tae-“ I stopped mid-sentence when I saw Taehyung, looking weary, stroking his throat as if he was too parched. “God, I was so worried about you, Taehyungie. Are you okay? Is Jungkook there?” I asked.

He opened the door fully, inviting me in so I went. Taehyung turned to look at the bed, where Jungkook was still sleeping.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Taehyung told me as he collected his stuff that fell on the floor. “I guess I was drunk last night.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you were.” I lifted the blanket covering Jungkook’s face. “Hey, you okay?” I said sweetly. “It’s time to wake up.”

I looked again at Taehyung and asked, “was he drunk last night, too?” but Taehyung just stared on the floor as if he didn’t hear me.

“Taehyung-a.”

“No, no. He wasn’t drunk.” He turned to leave. As Taehyung closed the door behind him, I heard Jungkook sleepily said, “I’m not okay, Jiminie.”

Jungkook had always been a crybaby and it was never a surprise when he gets teary-eyed over the simplest things. He would cry over a sad movie, while singing a sad song. He would even let out a depressing sigh after hearing a mellow tune. But seeing Jungkook’s tears spilling on the pillow, his whole body in fetus position while hugging the blanket with his tattooed hands, it was somehow heartbreaking.

I texted Yoongi to come over quietly and not tell the others, because I didn’t exactly know what to do, how to comfort Jungkook.

Yoongi knocked twice and entered. He was holding a cup of warm milk and as soon as Jungkook saw him, he went under the blanket, as if ashamed that another hyung was seeing him this wrecked.

Yoongi sat on the other side of the bed and placed the cup of milk on the bedside table. He kicked Jungkook’s shirt that was lying on the floor and picked up the jacket. He then placed it atop the blanket that’s covering Jungkook while asking him if he wasn’t cold.

“We’re going to make a broadcast today, Jungkook-a.” Yoongi said. “This is not the time to sulk under your beddings. I don’t mind hearing the story, but if you don’t want to tell me, and just keep it to yourself, it’s okay. But as a professional, you have to think straight on days when you have work.”

While Yoongi seemed cold, I knew he was applying reverse psychology on Jungkook. It worked, I think, when Jungkook stopped crying and removed the blanket to stand up. He put his jacket on without a single word, walked toward the other side of the bed to drink the milk his hyung brought for him.

He took a side glance at Yoongi who was watching his every move, while I watched them in silence. I felt proud that my Yoongi can pick up a person’s cracked pieces and hold them back together, not necessarily fixing them.

I didn’t know what Jungkook saw in Yoongi’s eyes but another tear fell and he started to speak.

“Hyung.” Jungkook began. “I couldn’t hate him.” His sobs went louder. “I wanted to, I wanted to hurt him, too. I want to feel disgust, disappointment. I want to feel tired of him, I want to stop caring for him. I want to stop feeling, hyung.”

I felt my chest constrict as my own tears began to well up. I’ve never seen Jungkook like this. I knew he and Taehyung had fights before big enough to shake the group’s foundation, and I knew that Taehyung was a major whore sometimes, but I didn’t really see Jungkook cry over it.

“Why can’t you?” Yoongi asked him.

Jungkook shook his head, his shoulders collapsed. He was heaving, gasping for oxygen as he paused to cry again.

“Taehyung is my everything. I don’t want him to be, but seeing him these past few days, even if I want to run from him, I couldn’t.”

“You’ve done it before, Jungkook.” I reminded him. Yes, he did. For several weeks, he went home to his parents. He only appeared at practice, ate with us, and went home to sleep at his parents’ house. That was several months ago, when Taehyung was dating an actor.

Jungkook slumped down the floor and hugged his knees.

“Yes, I did that before. But you know what happened, right? I stayed away from him but I ended up getting a tattoo of his name on my knuckles- ‘V’ that I had to cover up with a few more letters to make it appear that I really chose to have an ARMY tattoo.”

Jungkook’s tears continued to flow.

“Hyung, what do I do?” He looked up at Yoongi who was spacing out. I took a few strands of Yoongi’s hair and pulled them lightly to wake him up. Yoongi blinked a little and said that he was thinking.

“Just let him go.” Yoongi asked Jungkook. “If he wants to play some more, because it looks like he does, then let him go. You don’t need to be in a relationship if one of you isn’t ready for a more serious one. Three years ago, you were still exploring your feelings. He probably thought he was in love with you. You thought you were in love with him.”

“No, I know I was in love with him.” Jungkook cut him, Yoongi shrugged.

“Sure. But if he grew tired of it and you didn’t, then it’s time to let him go.”

This time, Jungkook had a worried look on his face.

“Go take a quick shower. We’ll be late.” Yoongi stood up and started for the door. He gestured for me to come. I immediately went to Jungkook and helped him get up, tapped his bottom, and pushed him to the toilet, before I went over to Yoongi who was holding the door for me.

* * *

**This years love**

I stood behind the camera that was focused on Jungkook as he does his scene on the swings for the Blood, Sweat, and Tears music video. He gracefully balanced himself in the hanging prop while wearing a polo and chokers. We were told that the concept would be ‘creative sexy’ but the stylist surely had a flair for kink. Jungkook looked like a man who just got out of puberty – his muscles were taut and his veins popped out every time he danced.

Jungkook went over to me after the director expressed his satisfaction and let Jungkook off. He placed his hand on the back of my waist and kissed my neck. I heard a noona sternly said, ‘Jungkook.’ That I often hear when they want Jungkook to stop being touchy in public. Usually, they tell me to stay put, but that day, Jungkook got on their nerves.

I wasn’t embarrassed at all, that I belong to Jungkook, but we had to tone it down to avoid any scandal. Of course, the company would just tell the press that we were being playful. Yeah, playfully kissing each other. Playfully hugging from behind. Playfully kissing each other’s napes. Playfully caressing each other’s groin. Yes, we were only playing.

“This Blood, Sweat, and Tears choreography is really turning me on. So much, Taehyung.” Jungkook said, lowering his voice.

“Will you dance it for me tonight?” I asked him in a whisper. “I could sit on the floor as I watch you do that part in the chorus, you know, that last part where we thrust our hips to the front.”

I watched Jungkook gulp, breathe heavily, and sweat, all in two seconds.

“Can I hit your face with my groin when I thrust?” Jungkook asked me. It felt like my whole body was burning as I imagined getting all that action up front. “And.” Jungkook stopped. “Can you wear a lacey underwear?”

I stared at him, taken aback. “What? I don’t have one. All I have are boxers and briefs, but nothing that fancy.”

“I’m keeping a red one, hoping you will wear it for me.” Jungkook grinned. I wonder how I would look like, how uncomfortable it would feel, but if I were asking Jungkook to dance a sexy choreography in front of me tonight, I’d probably need to prepare for that red lace.

As soon as the second day of filming was over, I hurried to my stylist and asked her if I could borrow the choker and the belt. She had a look that says no but I insisted and promised that I would take care of it, and that I would be gentle. She gave me another look that gives off a suspicion that I wouldn’t be gentle at all. As she placed the chokers on my palm, she quietly said, “do not get too tired. We still have a week of promotion after tomorrow.” I nodded without thinking.

Jungkook had just gone out of the shower after doing a hundred push ups on the floor. Jimin and Yoongi-hyung went out to eat meat and have Soju. Jin-hyung stayed in his room, probably playing, and Namjoon-hyung and Hoseok-hyung went straight to the company building to finish some recording.

I saw the lacey panty on the bed. I stared at it for a while and picked it up, placed it in front of my pelvis to see if it fits. Jungkook sang a few verses from Blood, Sweat, and Tears, like he was giving me a sign that he’s ready and I should be too. I went to the loo, took my clothes off and showered a bit while keeping my face away from the water to keep my make-up on, dried off with a small towel and put on the lingerie.

I put the robe on before I stepped out of the bathroom. I gawked at the sight of Jungkook wearing ripped jeans and a white gym shirt, so tight that I could make out his strong abs. No matter how hard I try to remember the skinny 15-year old Jungkook, I couldn’t see it anymore.

Jungkook led me to the middle of the room and sat me down on the black bean bag where he always lounged when he reads webtoons. The first few notes of our very own music floated around the room, and Jungkook started to dance. It was a different choreography, almost nothing like the steps that we studied for a day, and practiced for weeks to perfect. It was sexier, hotter. I felt myself growing beneath the robes. He dropped to the floor slowly, and I realized he was back to doing the real steps to the song. It was almost that part, and Jungkook went closer, and as he propelled his hips forward, he lightly hit my face with his pelvis, with jeans on. I expected it to hurt but instead, I felt a surge of electricity around my groin.

The song ended and Jungkook gasped for air. He took off his shirt and threw it to the side. He eyed the chokers that I got from the set and said, “Get up on the bed.”

As I got up, he yanked the robe hard that I stumbled forward. His arms supported my weight enough for me to manage to stand but it wasn’t long until Jungkook pushed me to the bed.

“I said get up on the bed.” His voice was stern and deep. I pushed myself to the center of the bed slowly, wearing only the red panties on, my bulge almost escaping the sheer cloth, without taking my eyes away from Jungkook’s lustful eyes. I watched him as his jaw tensed, his fingers clenched tightly, and his eyes traveled down to my cock.

Jungkook stepped closer to the bed. He grabbed my neck and kissed me- deep, wet, harsh, hungry. I tried to kiss him back but his tongue explored the insides of my mouth.

Jungkook broke the kiss, took my hands and clasped them together. I let him drag me across the bed to the bed post that all the sheets crumpled underneath. With one hand, he took the belt that was sitting on the floor. He went on top of me as his other hand held my hands together with the bed post. He wrapped the leather around them, and while he was securing the buckle, I licked his right nipple.

I heard Jungkook yelp but it was nothing in comparison with the sound I made when Jungkook slapped my face. It wasn’t painful, like it was a controlled motion, but damn did I get surprised.

“You’re not supposed to do anything.” Jungkook told me.

He went off the bed and looked at me hungrily. He extended his hands and caressed me, starting from my feet, up to my legs, up to the growing mound of flesh in the middle, the lace starting to get shiny with pre-cum. He slipped his hands to my rear and squeezed it hard, lightly parting it with them. He rubbed his nose on the lace and snaked out his tongue to meet the tip that has successfully escaped. I groaned.

Jungkook slapped my thigh. “I’m not supposed to even make a sound?” I asked. Jungkook stayed silent. “I wouldn’t be able to control it if I’m feeling all that.”

Jungkook traced the lace holding my manhood with the tip of his finger, and with a single tug, the underwear ripped into two. My cock sprang to life and flopped on my belly. He held the shaft a bit tightly and took half of the erection. He bobbed his head, taking more of the length, but I lost it when he sucked on it. I squirmed underneath him and pushed my hips up, wanting him to take more of me. But he stood up and left me literally hanging.

“Wh-“

“Roll over.” He said.

“I’m all tied up!” I protested.

“That belt isn’t tight. You’ll be able to roll.”

I did as I was told with a bit of struggle. With all the dance steps and practices that we had to make every day, I could absolutely lift my body, and do more than just roll over, but with the shackles on, I couldn’t do it as smoothly as Jungkook had probably imagined.

Facing downward, all I could see were wrinkled bed sheets. My arms were starting to feel tired from supporting my weight together with my knees. I felt Jungkook’s hands touch me on my spine, resting slightly on my shoulders. Then with his both hands, he wrapped the long chokers I brought from the video shoot. He adjusted it so that he could hold the longer part along the length of my back, down to my fully exposed bottom.

I waited, not feeling anything except the coldness of the belt buckle and the tiredness in my arms, and the tension between my legs. Later, my body squirmed in embarrassment. I felt something cold but soft running down my hole, and it was Jungkook’s tongue. He had taken ice inside his mouth first and had proceeded to lick me, like a he would enjoy an ice cream. He took hold of the cheeks, slapped them several times, and I felt them burning. He licked me for a good five minutes or so and my knees gave in once or twice because of the weight and the pleasure.

Jungkook stopped and stood up from the bed. He adjusted my body to get closer to the edge. He parted my legs so wide that one could fit a carry-on hard case in between them. That more awkward position really put pressure on my arms and wrists that while the belt wasn’t tight, it began to hurt when my skin grazed the leather.

Jungkook positioned himself in the middle, targeting me.

“Lube. Lube.” I reminded him.

I don’t know if he heard me but he held his shaft and opened me up using the head of his cock and damn. I screamed in pain when he gripped the choker tightly and slowly proceeded to enter me. He slapped my rear hard but I couldn’t even feel the burning sensation. I only felt pain, and the cold liquid from the ice that’s dripping from Jungkook’s other hand.

I screamed some more and as Jungkook rode me, hitting that spot, filling me up, I looked down and caught a glimpse of red dots splattered on the bed. Few moments later, mix of pleasure and pain coursed through my whole body and my screams became moans, and groans.

“I-“ Jungkook started to speak. “I- th-think you- aaah—you’re bleed- ooohhh-oh—bleeding.”

I didn’t say anything but the pleasure was growing and I couldn’t feel that much pain anymore and I let him ride me. His pelvis hit my rear and a few hairs tickled me as I moved my hips to meet his. Jungkook let go of the choker, gripped my waist tightly and entered his cock to the hilt with a grunt. When I thought I felt the full length of his cock became tense inside, I fully released. Squirts of cum dappled the bed.

I heard his breathing rise and fall and then it became calm.

He unbuckled the belt and I let my aching arms fall. My head and chest hit the pillow while my rump was still attached to Jungkook’s wang and when he took it out, I opened my mouth and produced a silent scream.

* * *

**All I Ask**

The camera director gave an okay sign. Shortly after, we were told that the filming was done. We had filmed for 3 hours, working on snow globes. For 3 hours, we needed to act happy, chill, normal, just the way our fans would like us to be. Good thing about our relationship was that we are all real friends, and as real as real friends are, we tend to bicker, and detest each other sometimes.

Like when Yoongi-hyung made a big deal about Jiminie becoming the character exactly as how he was portrayed in a story where he was partnered with Taehyung. He would approach Taehyung with a romantic sweetness and Taehyung, being who he is, countered with the same affection. Yoongi-hyung went berserk: drinking for several nights and throwing stuff around the apartment. Jiminie couldn’t return from the company building and when he did, Yoongi went to his parents’ house. Jiminie begged for him to come back. He spent hours completing “Serendipity”, asking for everyone’s help to send the song to Yoongi-hyung to tell him how living the character was a mistake and that Yoongi-hyung was the only person he really loved.

Imagine Jiminie’s devastation when he first read the lyrics for “Seesaw”. Jiminie lost himself to thinking Yoongi-hyung was breaking up with him, that he didn’t want to drag a relationship that wasn’t working anymore. He didn’t eat for days, until he bumped into Yoongi-hyung when he went to the recording studio.

Over iced Americano, at the park outside the building’s 5th floor, he confronted Yoongi-hyung. Yoongi-hyung didn’t speak much then, but he listened to Jiminie speak for about 30 minutes. When Jiminie finished his explanation, Yoongi-hyung just got up and went straight to Jimin and kissed him on his forehead.

I heard Yoongi-hyung say, “do you honestly think I could live without you?” Jimin cried a lot then. So much that he couldn’t speak. “You know, I know, right?” Jimin nodded and said I love you. It was the first time I heard him say that while crying. It sounded painful but happy, hurtful but comforting.

Yoongi-hyung, with a poker face, replied, “I love you too.” He didn’t exert any other effort but all the tension between them was just gone. Afterwards, he went inside the building.

I wondered if Taehyung and I would have that level of sincerity.

I wondered if Taehyung was really happy during filming, or if he was acting. After last night’s outburst, I wanted to talk to him and apologize. We weren’t together for months now, and yet last night, he must have felt violated. He had been willing to get back together and it was me who continued to reject him, wanting to prove that I have power over my own feelings. But I lost all of that control last night.

We were on and off for years. Our relationship would always start raw, playful, and rough. It would begin after a victory dinner and a few bottles of Soju, or a drinking treat for our concert crew, and we would stay in the hotel room for the rest of the night. We would wake up feeling sore from acting out on our fantasies. We weren’t embarrassed to tell each other what we want and I never had that with any one that I had gone to bed with.

Our relationship would end abruptly but vaguely. Without much closure, or any, at all. Taehyung would just go out on a date with a new pretty face he met in an event, or with that one actor he said was just a friend, but it turned out that he knelt before him in a cot somewhere.

But then he would apologize and seek me out, tease me viciously, make me hungry for more. And then he would be caring again, warm again, touchy again, and me, in love again. It was a cycle, I admit. But did I want to get out? Yes.

But-

Seeing Taehyung so quiet during the past few days like he had reflected a lot plus hearing him apologize to me last night in that drunken, teary-eyed, broken state made me want to go back and really, seriously love him this time. Maybe he was expressing the kind of sincerity I saw in Jiminie when he begged Yoongi-hyung to come back to him.

The crew told us that we would be filming gift-giving because it’s almost Christmas. We would make snow globes using jars and glitters and we would pick the member to whom we would give it to. _If I pick Taehyung from the folded papers, then maybe it’s time to face the reality._ I told myself. When I opened the small piece of paper, it read V. For some reason, I felt high.

I looked at Taehyung who quietly put his jar on top of the counter near the table. It looked weirdly full but he said it was his finished product. I wasn’t satisfied with mine. If the snow globe would be my parting gift to the cruel cycle that I’m in, it didn’t look perfect.

* * *

**Heartstrings**

“Hyung,” I saw Yoongi-hyung lying on the couch with a book and pen in his hand. Yoongi-hyung stopped reading and lowered the book to look at me. I bit my lips shyly. I stayed quiet for a while and I was grateful that he waited for me to speak and didn’t get back to his book. I really wanted to speak to him because aside from Jimin and Jungkook, Yoongi-hyung always had my back.

I lifted his legs, sat on the couch and placed them back on my lap. I still didn’t say anything, or I couldn’t. I began to feel everything again even without the alcohol and I couldn’t hold back my tears.

With this, Yoongi-hyung put his feet down and sat up. He tried to peek under my lowered head to see if I was actually crying and he saw fully well how drenched my face was.

“Taehyung-a, are you okay?” Yoongi-hyung asked, patting my back with his hand. His touch made me cry even more. “Taehyung-a. Taehyung, speak to me.” It was more like an order than a request. Full of exasperation, I wiped my face down with my two big hands.

“Hyung, is it scary?” I asked Yoongi-hyung.

“What is?”

“Loving. Is it scary?”

“What do you mean?”

I stared on the floor. Why was I even asking this question? I’ve been in relationships but I don’t know if I’ve fallen in love?

“Did you feel scared when you realized that you were in love with Jimin?”

Yoongi-hyung looked at me, his pale face glowed, and his lips turned into a smile.

“No. Was I supposed to be scared because Korea isn’t liberal in accepting a boy who has fallen in love with a boy? I don’t know them, what they think isn’t important. Was I supposed to be scared because my parents would disown me because I fell in love with a beautiful soul, even if that soul belonged to a man? That love made me want to live. And I know my parents would be thankful to Jimin because he saved me.”

Yoongi-hyung smiled cheekily. “I am perfectly happy with Jimin, and he is contented with me too. We do not need to show it often because we trust in ourselves. After that time, we call it ‘Serendipity Era’, we made a promise to stay together despite the odds because we became very sure that our feelings wouldn’t change. I think you know that’s what “Promise” meant when Jimin wrote the song.”

I nodded.

“I’m scared, hyung. I’m scared because I’ve been very careless and Jungkook and I are growing apart. I am no longer the same person I used to be and I don’t know if Jungkook still likes that. I am no longer that fun to be with, or that playful. I grew tired of being V of BTS. I just want to be Kim Taehyung, the man that I am now and the man that I am becoming.”

“Do you know, like really know, how you feel about Jungkook?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled through my mouth. “I love him. I am in love with him.” I turned to Yoongi-hyung. “I want to be with him and this time, only him. I am completely done playing. This time, I want to give and not just receive.”

“Oooohh Taehyung-a!” Jimin suddenly appeared by the doorway. It seemed like he heard it all.

Jimin approached us and held out his hand to me. I took it and he shook my hand. “Well done, Taehyung-ssi. Well done.”

“Do you want to help me with Jungkook?” I asked him.

“Nope.” Jimin immediately answered. “If it is that overwhelming, you just say it.” He said as he let himself fall on the couch. “Do you want me to call him?”

A deep voice suddenly entered the room. “No need. I heard everything.” Jungkook walked in from the blind corner and crossed the room to go out the front door. He was fully clothed and prepared to set out in the cold of winter.

I followed him hastily, with just a sweater on and pajamas and slippers. Not even socks covered my feet.

“Jungkook-a!” I bellowed.

His pace was quick and I jogged slowly, painfully, as the wetness of the snow pierced my bare feet. Jungkook didn’t stop and I continued to follow him. The chill of the night spread to the whole of my body and I shivered. Jungkook turned right to the next block and when I did, after several steps, I found him standing in a dark alley.

I approached him slowly, wishing to myself that he would not run away again. I stopped right in front of him. Feeling the cold, I hugged myself and put my hands under my armpits.

“Jungkook, did you really hear everything?”

“Yes. I heard you saying you’re in love with me.”

“I am.”

“I also heard that you’re scared of loving me.”

I didn’t answer. _Should I be?_ Jungkook looked at me in the eyes. It wasn’t cold or bitter, neither was it warm and concerned.

“Taehyung, I’m sorry about last night. I’m sorry that I took advantage of your apology, and I’m sorry that I was-“ He paused. “Forceful.”

I stayed quiet. That wasn’t really why I was scared, but I let him continue.

“Taehyung,” he lifted his hand and touched my face. I was already shaking because of the cold and his cold hand didn’t help at all. My jaw clenched tightly and I thought my teeth would crack.

“Taehyung,” his voice sounded like a lullaby. “do you forgive me?” he asked.

My lips were dry and I tasted blood when I licked my lips. “Yes, I do.” I answered. “Do you forgive me?”

Jungkook looked up at the sky. It was a starry night, unlike last night. “Six years ago, I couldn’t forgive myself for falling for a boy. I thought, how would others think if they knew that this rising vocalist is unlike other people? I kept to myself a lot because I didn’t want anyone finding out that I was drawn to your beauty. I was drawn to your deep voice, your boxy smile, your uneven eyes, your confidence. When you reached out to me, I allowed myself to be close to you because I wanted to know if you have imperfections, and I wanted myself to realize that because I never saw anyone as perfect as you. When I got to know you more, I saw how human you are- that the staff would always scold you, that you were messy, that you weren’t always a good dancer, that you look awkward sometimes, that your poop totally smells. Just like the rest of the world. But despite knowing all of that, I still fell hard for you. Later, I told myself, ‘you just have to accept it. You cannot do anything about it’. You see, Taehyung, you made tons of mistakes, some were almost unforgiveable.”

“Jungkook, I’m really cold.” I blurted, not wanting to cut him especially at that part, because it would seem like I didn’t want to hear that it was me who ruined everything. But while everything Jungkook was saying was what I wanted to hear, I really couldn’t take the cold anymore. Jungkook swiftly removed his bubble jacket and wrapped it around me.

“Anyway, what I’m saying is that, I forgive you because I love you and I’ve been in love with you ever since and there is no way that I’m going to let you go. You will not get away from me, and I’m ready to show it. They can cut it, remove it from broadcasts, they can edit it. I’m not going to do it for the viewers to see, but for you. I’ll show it to you.”

I hugged him, grateful that he decided to hold on. I took Jungkook’s hand and led him back to the apartment. Once we were inside, Jungkook and I headed to the shower, turned the heater on, and we soaked ourselves in hot water. I felt the blood return to my cheeks, and my toes, and my fingers. And Jungkook’s naked body danced against mine. Surprisingly, there was a familiar innocence. We didn’t lose it, we just buried it. And we could bury it from time to time, whenever we want to explore our creativity.

When we got of the shower, Jungkook opened his luggage and got himself a fresh pair of boxers. I wrapped myself in a robe and went to Jimin and Yoongi-hyung’s room, and quietly dragged my luggage out to bring it to Jungkook’s room. I opened my luggage to get dressed in a shirt and boxers.

I laid down next to Jungkook who seemed to have fallen fast asleep. I looked at him and examined that little smile on his face. I kissed his cheek, and his ear, and I whispered.

“Jungkook, you are my winter bear.”

Jungkook opened his mouth and murmured. 

“Thank you. I love you.”

I watched him sleep peacefully and thought to myself: _I can live like this. I want to live like this- to sleep beside this person after a long day and see his beautiful face every day when I wake up until I die._


End file.
